In the s , a series of public service announcements were recorded by the BBC and aired during the popular Uncle Bertrand's Fortnightly Children's' Hour surviving fragment: Uncle Bertie's message to the children. More recently, a number of support groups have developed to help those individuals with huffing problems, the largest of which is Kitten Huffers Anonymous , which seeks to replace a love of pussy cats with a love of God.
Nancy Reagan's "Hugs not Huff" campaign against Kitten Huffing was successful until about when people realized that huffing kittens was much better than hugs. Today, the battle over public policy has led to a tentatively titled "War on Feline" spearheaded by the Vatican which never did like pussy and the Institute for a New American Veterinary.
The famous National Socialist for Paedophilia's Lewis Black of the Anti Kitten Huffing Movement has campaigned tiresomely for awareness of the dangers of Kitten Huffing, however controversy surrounds the motives of his movement.
There is rumored involvement of certain Columbian pet cartels interested in artificially raising demand. The worst part of novice huffing is finding pure kitten. We all know the story, some guy in a club offers you a little bag of kittens, they all have smiley faces on them and he promises you a good time. You get home and check out your "kittens" only to find you have been given a selection of sundry other animals stuck together and painted to resemble kittens!
Cunning dealers often use ocelots or other low grade feline products, do not accept alternatives! A quick and easy method for testing for real kittens is to drop them in water, fake kittens will remain visible while real kittens become hard to see as their refractive index is similar to that of water.
This is the same test that can be used on diamonds and has led to the theory that high quality kittens may be formed in a similar way, taking thousands of years of heat and pressure under the surface of the Earth.
Isn't nature marvelous! You can also test kittens for quality by swinging them by their tails in crowded rooms, as the saying goes "there isn't room to swing a cat in here". If you can swing your "kitten" it is clearly fake, if you fail then it is the real deal, you better go somewhere quiet and get on with the huff.
Be wary of people you don't know offering you kittens, the best place to get kittens is from classified adds in local newspapers. Regular folk who have cats and are unaware of the kitten huffing phenomenon often give away premium kittens just so they don't have to look after them! You can take full advantage of these suckers by telling them you have a wonderful, loving new home for all their unwanted little balls of fluff then selling them on to your fluff-head friends making a huge profit!
Real fluff-heads sometimes believe they have found God in a kitten huffing trip. This is the basis for the religion of Kittenhuffism and its small celebrity offshoot KittenHoffism. Members of this religion believe that salvation can be found through kitten huffing. However, a distressing number of professional huffers have ended their days this way. The easiest way to avoid this weird fate is to only huff recreationally, as only true addicts end up this way. As a side note, KittenHoffism is growing in popularity.
Members are recognizable by the small red string bracelets they wear, their regular trips to Israel, and the large amount of money they give to David Hasselhoff. The red string bracelet "is meant to show devotion to the mystical practice and to offer us protection from the very powerful negative energy of the evil eye" according to one source. Although the ordinary, striped, fuzzy, American Shorthair domestic kitten known as the Generic kitten is by-far the most popular, and is valued because of availability and reputation, non-typical cat breeds are still somewhat popular within the huffing world due to their distinct properties.
Of course, all breeds have different effects. Below is a list of the most popular non-generic huffs and their properties. Below that is a list of the best generic huffs. Here is the list in no particular order :. As mentioned nearly a billion times before, the fabled orange ones are the best you can get.
For safety's sake, always have your orange kittens examined by an expert. You don't want to be huffing a rat covered in orange paint. Note: You may be huffing a Non-Huffable Kitten , which will result in a scratched face and a reverse huff. You know, the one where the cat huffs you.
This is possible since the Non-Huffable Kitten is also an orange cat. The Bengal Cat is not very popular, do primarily to it's high pricing. However, it is considered the only other domestic cat that generates a high strong enough to compete with that of a Tiny Orange Kitten. The Bengal cat has several advantages over a regular orange cats:.
Experts believe that the similarities in huffing qualities to a lion may have been the intended result of many years of breeding, suggesting that this breed may have been created for huffing purposes. Huffing kittens from David Hasselhoff 's chest hair has only been tried by a select club of celebrity huffers, but it is said to add a new and musty experience.
Just don't let him tempt you with his puppy fetish. Devoted Hoffers have a habit of becoming devotees of KittenHoffism; this entails wearing a red string bracelet and giving money to The Hoff. Strangely after huffing the user feels the need to eat a hamburger ,in a drunken state, off the ground. See Kittenhuffism below for more details. Huffing lions is one of the most intense physical experiences on the planet. Lions are said to be best huffed as cubs, do to a more sweet mellow experience, and a lower change of getting eaten after the huff or asploding out of shear ecstasy.
The only known Adult Lion huffer is Chuck Norris , who claims to have huffed at least dozen lions. The cheetah is the fastest land animal and huffing a cheetah kitten gives the fastest, scariest huff known to man. Imagine hurtling through a psychedelic wonderland at kph with a desire for raw flesh and you're not even halfway there, while listening to Steve Miller at four times the normal speed backwards, while traveling into a black hole. This is one for the thrill seeker everywhere. Scientists are still trying to ascertain what effect the spots have but frequent users have been known to give up striped and tabby varieties of kitten exclusively for ones with spots after a cheetah huff.
The ancient Egyptians were big fans of the cheetah huff and are known to have had large collections of cheetahs on hand at any time to satisfy their wanton desire for speed spot huffing. Legend says that when Chuck Norris was a baby his mother had him huff a Cheetah kitten once a day, giving him superhuman strength. The most sacred of all huff. Here are just a few reasons to love this admittedly odd — but overwhelmingly cute — phenomenon of people smelling their kitties:.
Did you just run out to go smell your cat after reading that first paragraph? Cats smell delicious. Their constant self-grooming helps keep their fur clean and healthy. Their fur gives off a sweet, musky scent. No wonder cat huffing has become so addictive. Cat huffing beats that by a long shot. Spending time with your pets helps you deal with stress and may even reduce risk factors related to cardiac disease.
Add that to the super-soothing scent of kitty fur and cat huffing will put you in stress-free nirvana. Excessive huffing has been known to produce undesirable side effects, including addiction, damaged sinuses, corrupted brains, which may lead to someone thinking they're something they aren't, and, in some cases, death.
It is a general rule of thumb that anyone who huffs more then 3 kittens a day is an addict. Veteran huffers often caution against huffing more than a couple kittens per day as overdosing can be very unpleasant and quite dangerous.
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